T-Minus 15:00 and Counting...

Ahh! In danger of being Delisted!

2006-06-26T13:49:00.000-04:00

So, just like on the NASDAQ and DJIA where if your stock price falls below a certain value, my blog is in danger of being delisted from Courtney's linky-loo if I don't post to it soon. So, in that vein, I present you with a quick (and lame) synopsis of my weekend.

Friday night: Good Times
Saturday (all day): Good Times
Sunday (all day): Mediocre Times.

And there you have it!

No seriously, Friday was fun. First, I met up with Jim and Phil to get a quick bite to eat at Uno's pizza (thanks for subsidizing my portion of the tip Phil!) before I had to split and meet up with CarlyMo and her friends at the Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse for a movie. I got to see Serenity (the sci-fi movie) for the first time, and it was good, esp. since the theater was full of geeks. The neat thing was that I was the only one in the theater who hadn't seen the movie yet, so the MC was asking if they had any Brown Coats from the mid Atlantic, NoVA Brown Coats (Brown Coats are the name for fans of Firefly/Serenity), and other stuff. So he then asks rather jokingly, "Has anyone out there not seen this movie yet and is seeing it for the first time?" So, like the good boy that I am, I stand up and make an appropriate "Whoo!", to which the whole audience gives me a rousing round of applause. It's nice being welcomed by fellow sci-fi fans!. Four of CarlyMo's friends are lawyers. So before I know this, I am talking to the one on the right in the row in front of me and I say, "So, what do you do?" She says, "I'm a lawyer." To which I reply, "Oh that's neat!", and she is almost knocked from her seat because she is rather shocked and amused that I responded that way (which was the first time she had ever had anyone respond that way - usually she gets the standard "Oh." or "I'm sorry").

The movie was good - it's definitely not one you can tune out of half way through, because for the most part, all things relate to each other and you are trying to solve the mystery of River, the psychic 17 year old. See, it turns out that in the end, it's all just a dream…Nah! This wasn't the Bob Newhart season finale!

Saturday was good - I was the DD at the Old Dominion Brewery Festival. Not much to say other than I like unlimited root beer. And afterwards I stopped by Carly Nusbaums for a simple shindig where I did horrible karaoke because I still had no voice due to the sickness from bad pudding (more in a sec). As a side note, I unlocked 10 new tracks on Guitar Hero, 5 of which I beat to unlock Fat Lip by Sum41 - which I managed to play perfectly and not miss a note on Easy Mode, thus signaling that I was at the top of my game for the evening and that it was time for me to stop and bid adieu.

So, about bad pudding. At our office, we have community fridges on every floor (yes, I can hear the collective groans coming out of everyone right now. I know, I should have just stopped there as soon as I said community fridge - but I was hungry!). So as a rule, you NEVER eat food that people have brought in a Tupperware container. That's just wrong. There are big rules against that. However, individually wrapped, commercially packed food is another category. See, the cutthroat rules for those are governed by the throw-away policy that is stated/posted on the fridge. If the throw-away/clean out policy states that all food in the fridge will be thrown out after X date/time, then anything commercial that is in the fridge AFTER that time is fair game, because if someone ever asks, "hey, where did my X go?", you get to say as a blanket response, "Oh, it was fridge cleaning yesterday/this morning/afternoon, so it probably got tossed…[into my stomach]". And even if they are a bit perturbed, they understand that it was cleaning and that the rules stated that Everything MUST GO! NO OFFER WILL BE REFUSED! "Sir, can I interest you in this half empty bottle of 2-liter soda? What will you give me for it? A clean fridge?" Sold! (btw - half eaten individual servings are a no-go, but community size - party pack, 2 liter, 1 gallon - are totally fair game.

So since Friday evening (two weeks ago) was clean out time (anything left after Friday gets cleaned out Monday morning), I took "stock" of what was in the fridge and could possibly be consumable - you know, casing the scene before the crime. A good food agent is a knowledgeable agent - otherwise, they could feel the wrath of their hungry co-workers. So on Monday when I get in, I see what is still left before they commit food genocide. Well, there was a small, individual Swiss-Miss vanilla pudding pack that had been sitting in the fridge for a week, and was looking very lonely and vulnerable out there in the wild. I decided to take it in and call it my own. Because, who else was going to look after this lonely, poor, helpless widdle-swiss-miss (GIANT teary puppy-dog eyes)? Enter Steve to the rescue! I deftly swooped in, plucked it from the clutches of the trash, and quickly gobbled it up. Mission Accomplished.

(One hour later…)

Curse you Swiss Miss! How DARE you give me upset stomach and indigestion! Is this the thanks I get for saving you from certain doom? I saw you sitting there, no one loved you, and I even picked out a nice Kirkland's Best plastic spoon to consume you with, and now you give me abdominal aggravation! Pearls before Swine!

So anyways, I got sick from this pudding, and I got a cold that stuck with me for most of the week. But good shall always triumph over evil, and today, I am feeling relief, thanks to my NEW friend, "Cold Tabs II", brought to you by your local office medicine cabinet. And what have we learned class? Not to eat dairy products that have been sitting in the fridge for over a week with an unknown start date. Next time I am totally sticking to the soda and left over spaghetti from catered lunches.

Next Week's lesson: Stocking up on office supplies for "business" use.

Hyperlinks-R-Us

2006-05-30T22:04:00.000-04:00

Courtney made me do it!

It Truly is the Mark of the Beast...I mean, Beef!

2006-05-23T16:24:00.000-04:00

So, you think RFID is the high tech form that was prophesized in Revelations? Well, look no further because…you're right! We've had it all wrong. Human's weren't the chosen ones, cows are!

Beef - It's What's For Dinner-

The Playstation 3 is a Real Bargain!

2006-05-15T15:52:00.000-04:00

As gamers across the globe continue to lament the ridiculously obnoxious price that the Playstation 3 is slated for, one lone bastion in the world helps us put things into perspective. Slate (http://www.slate.com/id/2141633/) has a lovely article that shows that the Playstation 3 can be better than marriage, and is much cheaper too. They suggest that the PS3 be priced closer to 100K. And looking at the math that they present, it seems rather plausible! (Of course, every dummy knows that 78% of all statistics and numbers are made up). So maybe instead of looking for a girlfriend, I should be looking at investing in a new gamefriend. But then again, you still go to bed lonely if you forgo matrimonial bliss and opt for the cold hard shell that is a marvel of technological wonder! Maybe instead I’ll just go buy the new Nintendo, save my cash for the rituals of mating, and hope that any future girlfriend will want to make me change my “Wii” mentality into “we” mentality.

Coming Up Next on Judge Judy...

2006-05-05T15:31:00.000-04:00

We need more judges like this in our Judiciary System
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/05/05/filipino_judge/

Brilliant!
Jim, I propose that as a lawyer, you lobby to have all judges consult mystic midgets. I can start a new business called “Mystic Midget Management”, and we can name our company’s acronym 3M…oh, wait, can I borrow your legal services again? It appears I am being sued for trademark violations…

FINALLY! GEEKS CAN REJOICE! BREAK OUT THE LIGHTSABERS!

2006-05-04T12:43:00.000-04:00

Rejoice fellow geeks, for our time has come! Lucas, through the magic of the almighty dollar, has come to his senses and, on September 12th, will release the ORIGINAL - yes, ORIGINAL Star Wars episodes on DVD! w00t! Finally we can see the movies the way I first saw them, and acknowledge that yes, it's not the best "quality", but it's the MEMORY that counts and the influence that these films had on society. It's like comic books and baseball cards - the 1st print is always the more valued version, even if they reprint it on shinier paper, retool the cover artwork, and make it impermeable to weather. People want the original because it was the first. Nothing can take being 1st away, there will only be ONE first (due to the nature of the essence of "first"), and people like to relive the past through classics. Classics remind them of their childhood, help them go back to that place/time where they had those feelings, and by having originals, people get to do that. It's like Disneyland. People always talk about how good Disneyland was, and will talk about rides that aren't there anymore - why? Because it was what they remember from their past, and they want to recreate those emotions so they can relive the past vicariously through these tangible things. Sure, the new rides are good, but they aren’t the old ones…until a new generation comes along and replaces those rides and people will wax nostalgic for the ones that have gone. The same goes for anything from the past that people have an emotional attachment to. For an amusing take on this phenomenon, listen to “I Wish I Could Go Back To College” from the musical Avenue Q. Here’s an excerpt that proves my point:

“I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
…
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
…
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me." ”

Well, I can now sleep soundly knowing that I can show my kids someday the REAL Star Wars the way they are meant to be seen (4,5,6,1,2,3) and, gasp, actually have them make sense! Not only that, but it's a great tool to spark discussion on why we need history and not let people re-write it and pretend the past doesn't exist (the answer to that disucssion is money makes the decsions btw). But that’s a moot point! I can now watch Star Wars with my friends, family, and strangers and revel in the glory that is the ORIGINAL!

(Cue the 20^th Century Fox Fanfare!)

And as an official side note, I hereby declare that on the September 15^th or 16^th 2006 (Friday or Saturday), I will be hosting a party (place tbd) to watch and celebrate this glorious occasion!

Signs That Your Movie is Destined to be Lampooned on MST3K

2006-05-01T14:05:00.000-04:00

So Matt Green has recently begun sharing his love of MST3K with the group, and I must say, it is a very noble and funny past time. There a few things one must have when watching an MST3K episode. First, you have to turn your brain off. This thing that we call logic, and literary terms called plot structure do not exist in the movies that are being watched by Joel/Mike and the Bots. Note however, that this excludes the movie/informational shorts that are sometimes shown before the bad movie. These shorts (while laughably funny for their sometimes odd characterization of life), actually are decent when taken into consideration the time period in which they were made. That said, it’s still darn funny to make fun of them according to today’s societal standards (“What to do on a Date,” I’m looking right at you). Second, you have to be able to sit through REALLY dull parts in movies, and I am talking dull like watching corn grow. Third, you have to appreciate really silly humor, often groaner inducing humor. But, if you can master these three skills, you can begin to appreciate the jewel that is MST3K.

But let’s talk about the movies themselves. To all the aspiring directors, to all the would be cinematographers, I think the should all be required to watch at least 5 episodes of MST3K before they are even allowed to touch, nay, go within 20 feet of, a camera. For this show actually serves as a useful teaching tool to tell people how NOT to make a movie. Oh, if only learning about the Battle of 1812 or the Treaty of Versaille were as fun as this, then we would have such a well rounded and educated population! But instead, this jewel of an education piece is relegated to aspiring film makers, so you should best pay attention to this show if that is your career choice. Think of all the knowledge that they could gain by just watching a single episode!

First, but not foremost, let’s talk soundtracks. Sound is one of the most important aspects of a movie. Even before there was spoken dialogue, there were soundtracks to help convey the mood that needed to be felt. Buster Keaton’s “The General” is a great example – when you see that steam train coming, you feel the excitement as the music quicken’s its pace. And if it’s a creepy horror movie, you have creepy or tense music playing – NOT SOME TRIPE LIKE EASY JAZZ! Oh yes, I am looking at you “Manos, the Hands of Fate” and “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies”! For those of you who have not had the pleasure (or horror) of watching these two gems, their soundtracks were probably the cheapest part of the budget. They simply took a tenor saxophone player, stuck him in front of a microphone, and told him to play improve for two hours straight. That’s it. Nothing else, just bad improve. And when it’s paired up with the movie, the music makes (of course) no sense in relation to what is going on. We have fast improve during a slow scene, and just lazy laid flair when things are heating up. So note to directors – spend some money to score your film with something more than a sax player (or in the case of modern sci-fi movies, a synthesizer on repeat).

Secondly – props/costumes. Now, not every director has multi-million dollar budgets to work with. As an answer to this monetary dilemma, most directors think this is why God created Play-doh and sock puppets – BUT IT’S NOT! No! Rather, that’s why we have imaginations! The guys who did Blair Witch didn’t have squat to work with. So, did they decide to dress up their “villain” in white sheets and go boo? Or have it have wires hanging from it as it scared the campers? No, they didn’t show it at all! That’s what made it creepy – our imaginations did the work. Instead of making us think, the directors of “Future War” decided to show us REALLY bad puppets of Raptor dinosaurs and “cyborgs” that had just way too much white foundation on. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t put fat men in wife beaters and then try to make them look scary (coughThe Final Sacrificecough). It just doesn’t work. Cloaks are a good fit for fat people, and are just as cheap provided you get a roll of fabric and sew on a button or two. Directors – know your budget limits and work with them, not around them.

Finally – plot. You know how when you go on vacation, you do things, and when you come back, you tell people about the things that you do? Well, what you DON’T tell them is HOW you got to where you were going (unless of course something important happens which then obviously makes the how you got there important). Take your average beach trip. Most families when going to the shore will drive to the beach. Sure, they may talk about something that catches their eye, which leads into a conversation of such, but do you see them talking about everything that goes by? “Oh, there’s a red house, and now a blue one, we’re passing a stretch of corn field, there’s some roadkill, there’s a billboard for a new product, hmm, are we there yet, oh, there’s another car, and another one just like one we saw five minutes ago…” It’s the same thing for movies! Unless something is going to happen on the way there that will influence the plot, skip it! Just show them getting into the car, starting on their journey, do a simple wipe/fade, show them arriving, and voila! The audience knows that the family went on a trip! If you want to say it took a long time, have little Suzy say a line about how long that took, or boy, that was an exhausting 3 hours! Compare that to the end of Manos the Hands of Fate, where two ladies go on this journey so boring and has no plot that it allows one of the guys to go on a 5 minute rant that’s a complete stitch, and would have been better had it been in the original movie to begin with! And what’s the deal with adding stuff that doesn’t further the story? Come on! Did I really need to see all that expose on why the main guy’s brother died horribly in a tragic car accident when he was 5 when the matter at hand is what breakfast cereal he is going to choose and the story will not be affected by that considering that the story takes place on a submarine dealing with leaky pipes?

I could go on with countless other DO NOT’S for our aspiring directors our there, but the point is this: Film directing is not for everyone. For every Stephen Spielberg, there at least ten Ray Dennis Steckler’s (Director for above mentioned “Incredibly Strange Creatures…Zombies”). My advice? Post your “cinematic masterpiece” on something like YouTube or Google Video before you submit it to the studios to see if you have what it takes. And Studios – actually read the script and watch the finished piece before you subject us to the utter garbage that these directors are shoveling on you! Although with any luck, you’ll at least get some royalties in twenties years when MST5K lampoons the latest “The House Of 1 Million Corpses Who Decided To Go On Living But Couldn’t Because They Had No Heads.”

As a side note, I had to look up the director for “Incredibly Strange Creatures…” to find out who was in charge of the abomination. Frankly I though it would have been a female considering the amount of time spent on highlighting the females talent (or more aptly, lack of) through the numerous dance sequences. And what struck me as hilarious, yet rather prophetic is the tag line for the movie – “We Dare You to Remain Seated when Monsters Invade Audience! Who'll Chicken Out First--Boys or Girls? Girls! Learn if Your Boy Friend Can Take It!” Yes, that was the actual tag line. I for one have to say that if I had brought my date to this movie, I would have been the one to chicken out first…by promptly taking her out to the lobby and the profusely apologizing for subjecting her to that kind of trip. Then again, if a couple CAN sit through that movie and not be bored to tears/want to kill themselves, then it’s a pretty good sign that they can withstand anything that life throws their way and should consider driving to the nearest all-night wedding chapel and getting hitched right away.

And as a final side note, the writer for “Incredibly Strange Creatures” only wrote one other thing according to IMDB.com – “Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters”. ‘Nuff said.

The “Friendly” Road Wave…Or Is It?

2006-03-31T10:34:00.000-05:00

You’ve done it before – when you merge into traffic and you give the driver behind you that quick friendly wave (raising your hand so it can be seen by the driver behind you) as a way of saying, “Thanks for letting me get in,” but is it always interpreted the right way? Or when people do it to you, do they mean it in a positive manner? I think the origin of the “road wave” (as it will be referred to throughout the rest of this piece) has a more dark and sinister meaning, one that if more people knew its true origins, the world would be a far worse place. In fact, the road wave can be traced back to the days of the early cave man, before there were even roads.

Back when early man was exploring his surroundings, there were often many dangers lurking in the wild, ready to spring at a moments notice upon an unsuspecting cave man. Early on, man learned that if they hunted in pairs, they would achieve better success rates (quite possibly the origins or the now common phrase that is spammed amongst MMORPS – “GROUP PLZ!”) than hunting alone. This was quickly surmised after several men would go out alone to forage for food alone…and mysteriously never returned… So one day, an intrepid caveman decided to pair up to increase his chances of survival. They were out hunting a bear, when suddenly, the tables turned and it was the bear that was hunting them. The intrepid cave man quickly realized that he didn’t have to outrun the bear – just outrun his partner. So, he quickly sped up and cut in front of him. And as the bear pounced upon the hapless caveman, the intrepid hunter raised his right hand and waved back to thank him for allowing him to escape certain doom. He didn’t stop running of course, oh no, because he did not want to be dessert for the bear. Instead he just kept running until he was safe back at his cave. What he didn’t see was the reaction the hapless caveman had to his wave – a reaction of anger, disgust, and hatred…which was quickly overcome by pain and agony.

Fast forward a couple million years and you have the modern car and today’s roads. With beltway gridlock and traffic jams up the wazoo, we seem to have reverted to that primal state and have become territorial in our cars when on the road. “This is my spot dang it, and no one is going to take it from me!” Maybe a majority of the people on the road today were the victims of “friend cuts” back in elementary school – where someone in front of them let their friend cut in front of them, and then immediately that friend let their friend who let them in cut back in front of them, thereby screwing the guy/girl behind them without having the original placeholder friend get the shaft – and are thus bitter at letting anyone get in front of them for the rest of their lives. Either way, they certainly don’t WANT you cutting in front of them when you are trying to get over a lane. And how do you know that your “road wave” isn’t going to be interpreted as something similar to (or worse than) giving them the bird? The fact is, most of the time when someone cuts in front of you and gives you the road wave, they are secretly saying “Ha Ha! SUCKER!”

So how do we tell when it’s ok to give the road wave? Well, usually when old ladies are waving you over in crowded traffic, it’s ok to change lanes…but watch out! Some of them are sneaky in their old age and might just be trying to lure you into their trap – the trap of a fender bender (Driver: “But officer, she was waving me to move over” Old Lady: “Cut the baloney sonny! That was my nervous twitch – I was swatting at the pixies in the car!”). Other times are when it’s a student driver. You can actually cut these ones close and squeeze into spots you normally shouldn’t fit, because it’s good to give our young drivers real-world experience while they’re under the stressful gaze of an instructor, and then calmly give them the road wave. Truckers are 50/50 – country truckers live by “the code” and will often let you in, but city truckers are rebels and renegades on a mission to prove how large their member is. At all costs, stay away from men in sports cars and girls in SUV’s – those are the ones you don’t want to mess with. So the next time you are on the road, make sure you tail gate the guy in front of you, allowing no possible chance for someone to cut in front of you and give you the road wave. Because who knows, the next time you see that wave, check your rear-view mirror. There might be a bear on your tail and you don’t know it.

This Blog is priced to sell! Explosive Growth!

2006-03-10T12:04:00.000-05:00

So we ALL know that stock spam, in addition to pr0n spam ,are two of the biggest nuisances that one receives in their mailbox daily (if not hourly). But what evidence do we have of this nuisance? Well, fear not humble reader, for I have painstakingly taken the time to actually track the performance of some of these spam emails to gain empirical evidence of the utter garbage that is stock spam.

First a bit of background. How, or why did I decided to do this? Well, when your only job is to sift through the spam filter looking for good email (ham), you come across a LOT of email that just should have not been sent. Love notes, bank account info, passwords, pr0n pictures, etc. Keep in mind that this is a corporate network with business email address we are talking about, not a personal email account. So after seeing literally hundreds of emails a day for stock tips that are poised to explode, I figured, why not occupy a little of my time and keep a track of how these “monster” stocks actually perform.

Now, obviously, this is not a true scientific study, but with that being said, it does give a decent snapshot of how things work during the short time that I conducted this experiment. Each day, there was usually one giant offender that popped up repeatedly. They would send out about 200 or so emails lauding the values of this company. The next day, it would change to a different stock (or in the rare case, it was repeated). Upon arriving at work around 8:30-9ish, I recorded the opening price, and at the end of the day, recorded the high value and closing value.
To add extra test values, I took some of the less prolifically spammed stocks and added them in as well to see if they had better performance from being sent by a different spam provider.

Here’s the data:

So these microcaps are “theoretically” designed for people with lots of petty cash that can just dump money into these stocks and buy, 500-1000 at a time to hopefully make some sort of profit. But if you look at the average percent change, it comes out that you would be losing money just on the stock itself if you based your purchases on the spam emails. That doesn’t even factor in brokerage fees, and the ever so dreadful capital gains tax that is VERY high for short term holdings (which is taxed at your ordinary income rate, which varies from 10% to 35%).

Assume you made 50 bucks on the sale from one of these microcaps. You then have to pay the brokerage fees for the purchase and sale. Pretending you are using etrade, we are going to estimate the brokerage fees are 10 for purchase and 10 for sale. That’s 20 bucks there. Then you have to pay the tax (not now, but when it comes time to pay taxes yearly due on April 15th), which will be anywhere from $5 to $17.50. So at a minimum, you’ve paid 25 to earn your 50, and quite possibly you would have to pay 37.50. This is using a good scenario for just one. You would have to repeat the success each time to actually gain a decent profit. The possibility that you will actually make money on these spam stocks is rather low considering the average change for these stocks was negative -.06%. This just goes to reinforce the fact that the true experts say you can’t do market timing, and that anyone who says you can is selling something.

So what have we learned today class? Number one, microcap stocks are no place to be doing business. Number two, spam is a complete waste of space, and costs people more money than the good that it brings to a small few, and number three, I have WAY too much time on my hands at work. This concludes your daily lesson in stock spam…

Oh, and btw – I’ve got a great lead on this new stock that’s poised to quadruple its value next week…

New food format on the horizon

2006-02-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

Industry war heats up as Giant Foods prepares for May 23 release of first Bleu-Weight titles, including ‘@pples' and 'Pasta v2.0'.
February 29, 2006: 12:61 AM EST

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Giant Foods said Tuesday it aims to deliver its new food format to U.S. stores May 23 to coincide with the entry of Bleu-Weight scales, a new step in an industry war for control of consumer digesting.

Giant Foods and Local Farmers will first release eight high definition foods, followed by another eight in mid-June. The first foods include “@pples," "The Fifth Condiment," "Pasta v.2.0" and "Chipot-olé!"

Giant is locked in a multibillion-dollar standards war against a rival nutrition format known as HD-FOOD. The technology companies supporting HD-FOOD, championed by Safeway, plan to start rolling out new foods and scales in March.

Each side hopes to reignite a sagging $24 trillion home eating market with new foods and eating habits that offer greater eating capacity and the ability to retain more weight, which will then be calculated on their respective weight measurement scale.

Consumers are still confused about how the products differ. Nutritional Analyst Amy Foster says, “It’s sort of like an inverse to the current measurement scale. Instead of saying that you are just 135lbs, you can now say that you have a Bleu-Weight of 33, but if you are 341lbs, then you can say your Bleu-Weight is 12,” where as with HD-FOOD, they measure your FMI (Fat Measurement Index) index instead of BMI (Body Mass Index). “[You’ll] want a higher number with FMI.”

Giant Foods, a division of the Royal Ahold International Family., earlier this month disclosed pricing for Bleu-Weight foods, which amounts to a premium of about 15 to 20 percent to the current crop of foods.

One side effect of this new wave is that all the new eating habits must have HDCP (High Definition Condiment Protection) enabled when consuming these new products. Executive Bill Holmes had this quote to offer when asked why this mandate was being enacted. “We are concerned about the piracy of our food – we intend for you to eat what we give you the way it comes – not to add salt, pepper, or whatever you feel like. If we did that, people would go around willy-nilly and put things like ketchup on their eggs, toast, whatever. Kids need to be taught at an early age that this is not appropriate.”

Critics say that it will stifle creativity in the kitchen, but Bill responded, “If you want to legally experiment with our food, you can certainly license our technology.” Licenses are expected to cost between $25,000 to $40,000 per meal, which effectively prohibits the average consumer from experimenting in the kitchen.

The company said Tuesday that its target delivery date will coincide with the launch that day of the first commercially available Bleu-Weight Scales, developed by The Sharper Image. Other Bleu-Weight scales are expected from Kirkland’s Best and Whirlpool.

Corporate Men Can't Pee

2006-02-22T13:52:00.000-05:00

     Corporate America’s office buildings are being secretly funded by Pine Sol. This partnership comes after many years of intensive research conducted in men’s bathrooms on the effectiveness of the white collar male to accurately aim and relieve themselves in the bathrooms at their workplace. After careful analysis of the differences in cleanliness in bathrooms that are frequented by males of blue collar jobs versus those of white collar males, it has become apparent that the less money you make, the more likely you are to aim properly when using urinals in your workplace bathroom. Here’s an (unscientific) example. On average, the bathrooms for the male employees at Walt Disney World, a blue collar workplace, are 3 times more likely to NOT have urine on the floors surrounding the urinals than those in corporate buildings. In addition, they are 10 times more likely to have been flushed, when compared to their corporate counterparts.
     Why is this so? Our team of crackpot investigators went undercover and infiltrated some of the high profile bathrooms in our local corporate buildings to try and find some answers. Subjects were interviewed after relieving themselves, and asked hard hitting questions like why couldn’t they aim, and did their mothers teach them to pee that way? Often they responded with shock and disgust, sometimes they resorted to physical violence, but with diligence, our reporters got answers such as “I’m too important to have to watch where I pee”, “It’s not my job to clean it up, so why should I care”, “Have you seen how large my salary is?” (sounds like someone is compensating), and “Are you even allowed to be watching people go to the bathroom?”
     After carefully analyzing the data, researchers found there was an exponential correlation to salaries. At the lower end, most males were likely to miss every so often – possible explanation being, “Hey, accidents do happen,” – whereas at the upper corporate end, executives would basically pee on the walls and it was considered appropriate. Our researchers noted that this was very similar to the animal world, where alpha male animals (lions, dogs, etc) would mark their territory by peeing on the surrounding area so that others would know who’s the boss (“Looks like Bob was here today – better not use his bathroom”)
     So how is average Joe in corporate America supposed to get himself in a better position to pee poorly? My advice – walk the walk. If you want to be recognized for the important big wig that you want to be, act like one. Take those extra long coffee breaks, park in the executive spots, and of course, pee wherever you feel like – next to the office cooler, in the server room, etc. Pretty soon, when you walk by, people will be saying, “There goes Mike, he’s really important – he pees wherever he wants to.” And the next time you see an office high rise being constructed, buy stock in The Clorox company (parent company of Pine-Sol) because another record breaking deal has just been brokered due to the oncoming messes that will be made in theses newly constructed corporate bathrooms.

Girls are like Video Game Bosses

2006-02-20T14:21:00.000-05:00

Foreword: The following was written with having too much time on my hands and is no way an accurate representation of how things are – I mean, what do I know? I’m not even dating anyone!

So after reading THIS (read it – the following makes more sense when taken in context) I was immediately struck by how many similarities there are between girls and video game bosses. The author poses five key points to dealing with the level-ending creatures, and I have adapted these points to relate to the female species.

1. Keep moving. Whatever you do, don’t seem as though you have nothing to do, because in the female world, there is ALWAYS something that can be done. When asked, “what are you doing this evening,” never respond with “oh, nothing” because that is the kiss of death. This is the only cue that a girl needs to say, “Oh good, because there is this fabulous antique show that is in town for one week only that I have been dying to see.” Keep busy and unavailable. It may not be romantic, but it will keep you from experiencing another scintillating evening of group-crocheting.

2. If the girl stops, panic. Females are always on the move, looking for things to do. When a female stops, they are usually looking for the next project to do, and you don’t want to be near them when they start moving again, this time with a purpose. Try to avoid being in the same room, or better yet, in the same hemisphere. Unless of course it’s the sort of girl who KNOWS where you are, no matter what. In that case, just stay put – save your energy for later.

3. Scan for weak spots. Every girl has one, sometimes more than one. Whether it is chocolate, stuffed animals, or shoes, each girl will have a weak spot that can be exploited when in times of dire need. Weak spots may stick out like a sore thumb, or may only be vulnerable after an attack (argument). For example, next time you are at her place, check her closet to see if the shoe-mobile restocks its inventory there. Take a look at her bed and then check to see if she has stock in the Vermont Teddy Bear company. With a little investigation, girls weak spots can easily be recognized, and might even be flashing (in the sun) if it’s made by Tiffany’s and Co.

4. The quarter rule. Keep checking the level of your cash finances. If there is only a quarter (25 cents) left, chances are that she will be asking you for money soon (“Honey, can I borrow some money for when the girls and I go out this evening?”), or it’s your turn to buy dinner, a present, etc. There will be visual cues before this happens though – unexpected niceness, being extra cute towards you, pretending like everything is ok. Do not be fooled. Keep suitcases full of unmarked small bills on hand and bring plastic.

5. Take a break. If you find yourself becoming enraged way too often, give up and say “I need a break.” Often when you break up from a relationship, you will see that you WERE right about that argument last month, but gave in only to stop being berated about the subject. Then when you come back, she will see how wrong she was!

If all of these tactics fail, it’s not your fault, it’s hers! Simply go back to the dating scene and demand a new girlfriend! Consider it a moral victory. This always makes one feel good, especially when you can upgrade! And remember, cheat codes DO NOT exist in life, especially in the bedroom (Guy: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right… Girl: “No, you have to input it faster”)

Feel free to write your scathing comments below!

(This piece was written entirely as a humorous parody of a funny article. The author is bracing himself for the onslaught of feminine fury and is accepting the single life that he has relegated himself to by writing this piece)

Disclaimer

2006-02-17T16:02:00.000-05:00

A-hem. May I have 15 minutes on the clock please? Thank you. You may begin the count-down now.

One of the first things people should know when using software or services are the TOS - terms of service. There have been plenty of posts on sites such as Slashdot, Fark, etc, that talk about the silliness of how TOSes are worded, especially ones that are contained inside shrink-wrapped boxes, and must be opened to read, but in the process void the warranty and make you assume all the responsibilities of the TOS w/o knowing what those responsibilities are (and making it impossible to return said software). So, since this is my first time using a blog, and since this is my first post, and because I am concerned about who owns what material, what is legal, and how much trouble something like this could cause, I felt it appropriate to read the TOS for Blogger.
There is something to be said for candor and frankness, and I feel that this, while funny (yet true in our lawyer crazy time), is a good way to endear people to your cause.
(From the TOS)
DESCRIPTION OF SERVICE BlogSpot currently provides users with access to web page hosting services, specifically for Blogger-powered web pages (the "Service"). (Blogger is a separate service of Pyra which does not require BlogSpot. BlogSpot is provided simply as a convenience for Blogger users who don't already have a place to put the Blogger-powered site.) Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any new features that augment or enhance the current Service, shall be subject to this TOS. Now, this next part seems really damn obvious, but everyone else has it in their TOS's so someone's probably gotten sued for not having it. So: In order to use the Service, you must obtain access to the World Wide Web, either directly or through devices that access web-based content, and pay any service fees associated with such access. In addition, you must provide all equipment necessary to make such connection to the World Wide Web, including a computer and modem or other access device.
(End TOS)

It then goes into other legal-eese, but basically, they really don't try to make it too hard to understand, nor do they try to make things overly complicated. All in all, a much better TOS, than say... Kazaa .