Tuesday, February 28, 2006

New food format on the horizon

Industry war heats up as Giant Foods prepares for May 23 release of first Bleu-Weight titles, including ‘@pples' and 'Pasta v2.0'.
February 29, 2006: 12:61 AM EST

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Giant Foods said Tuesday it aims to deliver its new food format to U.S. stores May 23 to coincide with the entry of Bleu-Weight scales, a new step in an industry war for control of consumer digesting.

Giant Foods and Local Farmers will first release eight high definition foods, followed by another eight in mid-June. The first foods include “@pples," "The Fifth Condiment," "Pasta v.2.0" and "Chipot-olé!"

Giant is locked in a multibillion-dollar standards war against a rival nutrition format known as HD-FOOD. The technology companies supporting HD-FOOD, championed by Safeway, plan to start rolling out new foods and scales in March.

Each side hopes to reignite a sagging $24 trillion home eating market with new foods and eating habits that offer greater eating capacity and the ability to retain more weight, which will then be calculated on their respective weight measurement scale.

Consumers are still confused about how the products differ. Nutritional Analyst Amy Foster says, “It’s sort of like an inverse to the current measurement scale. Instead of saying that you are just 135lbs, you can now say that you have a Bleu-Weight of 33, but if you are 341lbs, then you can say your Bleu-Weight is 12,” where as with HD-FOOD, they measure your FMI (Fat Measurement Index) index instead of BMI (Body Mass Index). “[You’ll] want a higher number with FMI.”

Giant Foods, a division of the Royal Ahold International Family., earlier this month disclosed pricing for Bleu-Weight foods, which amounts to a premium of about 15 to 20 percent to the current crop of foods.

One side effect of this new wave is that all the new eating habits must have HDCP (High Definition Condiment Protection) enabled when consuming these new products. Executive Bill Holmes had this quote to offer when asked why this mandate was being enacted. “We are concerned about the piracy of our food – we intend for you to eat what we give you the way it comes – not to add salt, pepper, or whatever you feel like. If we did that, people would go around willy-nilly and put things like ketchup on their eggs, toast, whatever. Kids need to be taught at an early age that this is not appropriate.”

Critics say that it will stifle creativity in the kitchen, but Bill responded, “If you want to legally experiment with our food, you can certainly license our technology.” Licenses are expected to cost between $25,000 to $40,000 per meal, which effectively prohibits the average consumer from experimenting in the kitchen.

The company said Tuesday that its target delivery date will coincide with the launch that day of the first commercially available Bleu-Weight Scales, developed by The Sharper Image. Other Bleu-Weight scales are expected from Kirkland’s Best and Whirlpool.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Corporate Men Can't Pee

     Corporate America’s office buildings are being secretly funded by Pine Sol. This partnership comes after many years of intensive research conducted in men’s bathrooms on the effectiveness of the white collar male to accurately aim and relieve themselves in the bathrooms at their workplace. After careful analysis of the differences in cleanliness in bathrooms that are frequented by males of blue collar jobs versus those of white collar males, it has become apparent that the less money you make, the more likely you are to aim properly when using urinals in your workplace bathroom. Here’s an (unscientific) example. On average, the bathrooms for the male employees at Walt Disney World, a blue collar workplace, are 3 times more likely to NOT have urine on the floors surrounding the urinals than those in corporate buildings. In addition, they are 10 times more likely to have been flushed, when compared to their corporate counterparts.
     Why is this so? Our team of crackpot investigators went undercover and infiltrated some of the high profile bathrooms in our local corporate buildings to try and find some answers. Subjects were interviewed after relieving themselves, and asked hard hitting questions like why couldn’t they aim, and did their mothers teach them to pee that way? Often they responded with shock and disgust, sometimes they resorted to physical violence, but with diligence, our reporters got answers such as “I’m too important to have to watch where I pee”, “It’s not my job to clean it up, so why should I care”, “Have you seen how large my salary is?” (sounds like someone is compensating), and “Are you even allowed to be watching people go to the bathroom?”
     After carefully analyzing the data, researchers found there was an exponential correlation to salaries. At the lower end, most males were likely to miss every so often – possible explanation being, “Hey, accidents do happen,” – whereas at the upper corporate end, executives would basically pee on the walls and it was considered appropriate. Our researchers noted that this was very similar to the animal world, where alpha male animals (lions, dogs, etc) would mark their territory by peeing on the surrounding area so that others would know who’s the boss (“Looks like Bob was here today – better not use his bathroom”)
     So how is average Joe in corporate America supposed to get himself in a better position to pee poorly? My advice – walk the walk. If you want to be recognized for the important big wig that you want to be, act like one. Take those extra long coffee breaks, park in the executive spots, and of course, pee wherever you feel like – next to the office cooler, in the server room, etc. Pretty soon, when you walk by, people will be saying, “There goes Mike, he’s really important – he pees wherever he wants to.” And the next time you see an office high rise being constructed, buy stock in The Clorox company (parent company of Pine-Sol) because another record breaking deal has just been brokered due to the oncoming messes that will be made in theses newly constructed corporate bathrooms.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Girls are like Video Game Bosses

Foreword: The following was written with having too much time on my hands and is no way an accurate representation of how things are – I mean, what do I know? I’m not even dating anyone!

So after reading THIS (read it – the following makes more sense when taken in context) I was immediately struck by how many similarities there are between girls and video game bosses. The author poses five key points to dealing with the level-ending creatures, and I have adapted these points to relate to the female species.

1. Keep moving. Whatever you do, don’t seem as though you have nothing to do, because in the female world, there is ALWAYS something that can be done. When asked, “what are you doing this evening,” never respond with “oh, nothing” because that is the kiss of death. This is the only cue that a girl needs to say, “Oh good, because there is this fabulous antique show that is in town for one week only that I have been dying to see.” Keep busy and unavailable. It may not be romantic, but it will keep you from experiencing another scintillating evening of group-crocheting.

2. If the girl stops, panic. Females are always on the move, looking for things to do. When a female stops, they are usually looking for the next project to do, and you don’t want to be near them when they start moving again, this time with a purpose. Try to avoid being in the same room, or better yet, in the same hemisphere. Unless of course it’s the sort of girl who KNOWS where you are, no matter what. In that case, just stay put – save your energy for later.

3. Scan for weak spots. Every girl has one, sometimes more than one. Whether it is chocolate, stuffed animals, or shoes, each girl will have a weak spot that can be exploited when in times of dire need. Weak spots may stick out like a sore thumb, or may only be vulnerable after an attack (argument). For example, next time you are at her place, check her closet to see if the shoe-mobile restocks its inventory there. Take a look at her bed and then check to see if she has stock in the Vermont Teddy Bear company. With a little investigation, girls weak spots can easily be recognized, and might even be flashing (in the sun) if it’s made by Tiffany’s and Co.

4. The quarter rule. Keep checking the level of your cash finances. If there is only a quarter (25 cents) left, chances are that she will be asking you for money soon (“Honey, can I borrow some money for when the girls and I go out this evening?”), or it’s your turn to buy dinner, a present, etc. There will be visual cues before this happens though – unexpected niceness, being extra cute towards you, pretending like everything is ok. Do not be fooled. Keep suitcases full of unmarked small bills on hand and bring plastic.

5. Take a break. If you find yourself becoming enraged way too often, give up and say “I need a break.” Often when you break up from a relationship, you will see that you WERE right about that argument last month, but gave in only to stop being berated about the subject. Then when you come back, she will see how wrong she was!

If all of these tactics fail, it’s not your fault, it’s hers! Simply go back to the dating scene and demand a new girlfriend! Consider it a moral victory. This always makes one feel good, especially when you can upgrade! And remember, cheat codes DO NOT exist in life, especially in the bedroom (Guy: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right… Girl: “No, you have to input it faster”)

Feel free to write your scathing comments below!

(This piece was written entirely as a humorous parody of a funny article. The author is bracing himself for the onslaught of feminine fury and is accepting the single life that he has relegated himself to by writing this piece)

Friday, February 17, 2006

Disclaimer

A-hem. May I have 15 minutes on the clock please? Thank you. You may begin the count-down now.

One of the first things people should know when using software or services are the TOS - terms of service. There have been plenty of posts on sites such as Slashdot, Fark, etc, that talk about the silliness of how TOSes are worded, especially ones that are contained inside shrink-wrapped boxes, and must be opened to read, but in the process void the warranty and make you assume all the responsibilities of the TOS w/o knowing what those responsibilities are (and making it impossible to return said software). So, since this is my first time using a blog, and since this is my first post, and because I am concerned about who owns what material, what is legal, and how much trouble something like this could cause, I felt it appropriate to read the TOS for Blogger.
There is something to be said for candor and frankness, and I feel that this, while funny (yet true in our lawyer crazy time), is a good way to endear people to your cause.
(From the TOS)
DESCRIPTION OF SERVICE BlogSpot currently provides users with access to web page hosting services, specifically for Blogger-powered web pages (the "Service"). (Blogger is a separate service of Pyra which does not require BlogSpot. BlogSpot is provided simply as a convenience for Blogger users who don't already have a place to put the Blogger-powered site.) Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any new features that augment or enhance the current Service, shall be subject to this TOS. Now, this next part seems really damn obvious, but everyone else has it in their TOS's so someone's probably gotten sued for not having it. So: In order to use the Service, you must obtain access to the World Wide Web, either directly or through devices that access web-based content, and pay any service fees associated with such access. In addition, you must provide all equipment necessary to make such connection to the World Wide Web, including a computer and modem or other access device.
(End TOS)

It then goes into other legal-eese, but basically, they really don't try to make it too hard to understand, nor do they try to make things overly complicated. All in all, a much better TOS, than say... Kazaa .